No matter how difficult this road is.

It's already months into 2010 and yet, I still have no New Year's resolution. Perhaps it isn't so bad, and is at least something to have come up with an idea now...

I believe that it is time to push myself to go beyond my comfort zone rather than lingering in this circle I have built about myself for so long. I would go near the edge, but never past it. Already, nearing the ends of last year, perhaps even a year earlier than that, I have been taking small steps beyond that line. I have felt it, the rush, or pain, or perhaps excitement of finally going beyond that line. However, it was only emotionally though. But, I can already sense the emotional growth I have been coming a long way through and it has changed me, especially in relationship issues with family, friends, and I guess you can say of the opposite gender. In these problems, they have also led me a long way in my spiritual growth and maturity, I guess you could say. It has really been a blessing to know that God has been beside me, encouraging me to go out and beyond. I am way beyond overjoyed to say that I believe I have left that small circle behind pertaining to many aspects of my life, besides physically. However, I am also very glad to say that I have started today.

Pertaining to the physical aspect, I was a very sickly looking? or thin child back then. I mostly refused to eat, I'm not sure why but I only ate candy or something small. I never finished a meal; practically half of my rice always ended up on the table surrounding the contents of my bowl. My parents always reminded me of the time when I got up after every spoonful and went to spit it out in the trash can. I'm really not sure what led me to not be extremely fond of eating back then, but it wasn't very beneficial to my health. Physically, many people immediately see that I am very...small. Not sickly thin, but small. I am sad to say that never once in my life have a experienced a major growth spurt. I presume that I am fated to remain this small for the rest of my life, plus maybe one inch...or centimeter.

Continuing on, it is extremely difficult to admit what I have gone through these past few months, with no one else but myself knowing. It started off a short time before early February, when I started remembering what happened around 10 years ago. It was a very heart wrenching experience, yet God has blessed me with friends, counselors, family, and close significant others to surround me with love and care to have led me through this.
I'm not sure what it was, but I began to refuse to eat once again. Not extreme not eating, but less than usual and I began to get full, even at the sight of something. Thinking about the past made it more than slightly worse. After I told my parents, told my friends, it all seemed to melt away. And rather than unhealthy thoughts, my body recovered from that terrible incident. I believe it was a near start to anorexia. There are many false truths to anorexia, why it happens, how it happens. A female (or a male), does not choose to anorexia nervosa. It is a silent murder, making it all the more dangerous. Often times, it does not occur because of body image issues, but in light of the fact that one finally has control of some aspect of their life: weight.
In actuality, I am not sure what had pulled me into it, perhaps it was the latter reason, but I have a huge hint as to why, and knowing why it stopped. It is beyond difficult to tell someone that reason. Meaning, I have already told my parents, friends, brothers/sisters in Christ about that incident in the past that most likely led up to this issue. I don't know how long the healing process will be, but I know, with everyone God has blessed me with and how far He has led me, I will keep moving on.