Full hands? Maybe a full life.

I feel like many people today don’t know how to read out loud. There are certain ways to express a written piece which actors and actresses have almost figured the secret to. It moves the piece from captivating to enrapturing. Even that slightest shift measures up to an entire world of a difference. Yet, no one will ever completely interpret a piece the way the author intended it to be taken. Even the author him or herself struggles to express the depth of imagination and emotion inside his or her mind some times.

Here are my thoughts that I feel I cannot express well:

I don't know if anyone ever feels the same way, but right now, I feel like my hands are full. There are so many things that I am not obliged to nor feel obligated to do, but my heart tells me is really important. There are certain areas in my life as well as certain areas in the world that I feel called to.

For instance, I am studying Education and Spanish currently in order to teach in South America one day. I have seen first hand how children there must grow up faster than they should. Some are even living on the streets, learning how to huff glue to achieve a temporary high in order to ward off hunger. It's not that they lack education, it's that they lack the time to live fully as children because they have parents that can spare the time to watch over their children each hour of the day. I absolutely do not feel worthy of pursuing this extremely difficult journey. In fact, I will never be up-to-par with anything God calls me to. Yet, He insists.

I also feel my heart being broken for Japan. I have always known a lot about the suicide rates. Reently, I have discovered a place called “Aokigahara,” also known as “Suicide Forest.” The stories of over 100 bodies a year (and increasing) being found troubled my heart.

The issue is that my heart is always broken. Every day. Not just for tragedies such as orphans in South America nor the suicide rate in Japan, but for the broken world. And always, I feel myself wanting to reach out. Thus the reason why I feel that my hands are overwhelmingly full.

Recently, I was able to chat a bit with a sister who’s heart is for Japan. I realized that my heart may be for other places, but I may not be called there. Fortunately, there is a difference. God has set out other people to reach out to certain areas of the world. I don’t have to feel overwhelmed, but what do I do with the brokenness I feel and the desire to help? But, then I realized that I most probably have a long life ahead of me.

Isn’t that what God has called us into this world to do? To live our lives to the full for Him. Perhaps all these places that my heart feels for have a place in my future?

That’s some thing to chew, no, pray on. (:

Maturation

It's quite amusing. The day I reached the milestone of my eighteenth birthday, it was as if the entire world had changed their viewpoint of me. Or perhaps it was just the mentality I had gained that I have reached adulthood in a physical sense. To be safe and logically "correct", I would have to say the latter holds more truth. However, I have realized how much the older resents the younger generation for the most part. If one were to board the train on a sunny Friday afternoon, a rather flagrant schism would be seen amongst the packed lollapalooza. There are packs of flibbertigibbets-often the trouble makers-making quite a scene, speaking in voices loud enough to be heard from the other end of the train. Then, usually sitting in a seat they have managed to miraculously win fighting against the waves of teenagers, resting their aching backs and joints from another exhausting day at work. Usually the adults are preoccupied with rolling their eyes at the restless teenagers, muttering underneath their breaths about "how the times have changed" while the students are busy chattering away, not giving a care in the world about who they are disrespecting and unaware of their inability to stabilize the volumes of their voices. Fortunately, this does not apply to the entire population which indulges in the luxury of public transportation.

Today in English class, we enjoyed a rather bland discussion concerning the gender gap in Fathers and Sons. Reflecting on the values presented for each generation, I have realized that I am quite the conservative. I find my generation very disrespectful and more so in the the younger ones. Looking back at the older generations, I have never quite understood how to explain why there was a retardation of maturation as the generations grew younger. I have finally accepted how strangely different I am from my peers. Adults would often tell me that I am "mature for my age" and never understood what they meant because I am forever trapped in the body of an eleven year old female. It could be that I had early prefrontal cortex development, or the values that my parents raised me with. Lately, I have had a bit of a tribulation with a close friend of mine. I am not very eloquent in speech, so it's quite the challenge for me to express what I feel or what I would like to say. I have the word in mind, but it is so deeply buried within my thoughts because I dare not bring it up. In other words, the colorful description is rather rude. What I would have wanted to tell her was that she was being immature. I really have no right to place judgement on others and tell them that they are lesser, but then again I, being her sister in Christ, should rebuke her in her wrongdoing. I often feel extremely hurt by her words, especially when she insults me in a sarcastic way. It's not easy for me to take sarcasm because I am the kind of person who takes things very seriously. However, whenever I tell her that I am hurt by her words, she retorts by telling me that maybe she should not talk to me anymore or be my friend. This creates an even greater chasm between us because I end up not knowing what to tell her without her being even more riled. It was very difficult for me to find a way to explain to her about why the way she responds is wrong, but after pondering on a way to tell her, the only words I have come up with are immature and childish. I do believe that she has good intentions as a friend, but often she lets her emotions, anger, and selfishness best her. I do not, however, want to seem pretentious or self-righteous because not everything I say or do is correct. I am just finding it more and more difficult each day to try and keep up with our friendships because the idea of changing myself in order to make others feels loved which everyone has been telling me doesn't seem right. I just don't think that we should love everyone in a different way. We should love everyone the same as Christ loves us. I feel a bit jaded after all of these broken friendships, and often I start to believe that maybe my mother is right: that I can't keep any of my friends. Perhaps it is time for me to reflect on myself and see what I am doing wrong rather than what others are doing wrong.

I lost it.

I lost my purple pen that my friend gave me. I loved it. A lot. I love the color purple.

I didn’t think she would just give it to me. But, she did.

I kept it with me in my pocket all the time.

Everything I wrote was in purple for a week.

When I lost it, it reminded me: It’s always the things you love and cherish that get taken away from you…sometimes only temporarily, sometimes forever. I’m hoping it dropped out of my pocket in my parents’ car…
Recently, I’ve lost two people who were very close to me. It’s hard for me to talk to them. It hurts to be around them. It makes me want to cry when I think about how just two months ago we were getting so close. Things happened and it broke us apart. I can’t help but feel like it was my fault, my fault that I had to be their friend in the first place. If I never existed, this wouldn’t have happened. No one would get hurt.

Right now, I feel so alone even though there are still people who are very important to me and still talk to me. I’ve never felt this kind of pain before, but it hurts. A lot. It’s like a new type of pain that you’ve never experienced before. The fresh cut hurts the first time, but you get used to it after that.

I don’t know how I could talk to them again. I feel like they care more about each other. I feel like I should just step out of the picture and leave them be because all I’m doing is causing other people pain. And I hate myself for that.

Foggy

The future is like a fog. You get glimpses of it, but your vision is distorted by the haze. We then fret about the warped vision we had, too blinded by the false message we received. We fret about nothing, because the future is unknown to us. We never know what is truly going to happen. The past months have been a blur. I've been heaping issue upon issue, problem upon problem, and these "distorted visions" have been tampering with my mind. I felt every terrible emotion I could all at once, and I absolutely did not know what to do except to cry. The only thing...well person there was my friend, sitting there with me and being herself. She made me laugh, and that was more than all the world could do for me. It was comforting, and that let me know GOD was telling me, "I've blessed you with a friend. Cherish it, cherish these moments you've lost running through the fog. They've missed you, quite terribly. And so did I."

Idle

This summer has been such a great joy to me, so much that I barely had the time to blog or even update my supporters for Project Destiny! I seemed idle in "real life" because I was involved in PD, it was really a great experience but, to others not doing PD it was as if I ceased to exist. This also affected my family immensely since I never really had the time to spend with them. Throughout PD, I was hoping for a time that I could set aside specially for them and I've finally made a day for vacation with them. I'm praying that there will be no arguments or sticky situations while we're all together, because not once during the summer have I had a day with no argument with my family with an exception of when no one was home.

God has really changed me this summer, though I'm still learning.

The previous sentence and paragraph were written about a month ago during summer. I've really been idle on my blogging and stuff. But, I've decided I really need to journal more. Well blog, in this case. haha! Maybe I'll write more on this topic...sooner or later. But, I realized that I write up part of my blog entry...ditch it for a month or two and come back to write it. sigh!